I have a few minutes of peace – so decided that maybe now would be the time to get everything out of my brain – off load, whilst I have a few minutes – and then I can pop the smile back on my face for the sake of my other babies.
H has had a very rough few days, I guess is the best way to put it. He has been arrested – again, so there are now 2 charges outstanding against him. His behaviour & needs have got so severe that they have deemed (finally!) that he’s a risk to himself & others. He’s done some new behaviours which terrify me, and have left me wondering if he’d still be alive today – thankfully he is.
However, due to the ongoing issues – he has been given notice again, and was moved out of his placement with immediate effect. He was already on 2:1 care in a therapeutic environment, but he has just continued to get worse.
The search is on to find H a new placement – they are seeking a secure placement, now or a placement and they will be looking at a DOLS order due to the risk he poses to himself & others.
I have so many mixed emotions – I am so sad that he’s felt so bad, that he’s done something that could have if he succeeded actually killed him.
I’m angry that the system have continuously let us down – Continuously. They have not listened to us – they have downplayed everything he’s done & now it’s ended up with him harming many more people – this could have been prevented had they just listened.
I am worried for his future – if he doesn’t get the help & support that he needs & he does need – NOW, then his future is going to be either dead or none existent because he will be in prison.
I know H is quite angry with me for going to him on Friday, I didn’t honestly know what else to do – I was panicked after receiving the call & just needed to see he was okay. Well, no, not okay, but “okay.” I got met with abuse, verbal abuse, threats of harm too, but I’d do it all over again if I thought it would help. Coincidentally, I don’t know if I helped or made things worse although the SW keeps telling me “I did what any good mother would do.”
It’s H’s siblings birthday, and so my focus should be on her – and whilst it is, there’s a voice in the back of my mind asking – what’s next? Where do we go from here? My heart is breaking.
H has requested to see his sibling, and I wouldn’t stand in the way of that – so they are seeing each other, all I can wonder is when will be the next time? The placements they were looking at are hours away.
My heart really hurts, so much emotion, so much guilt, blame, sadness, hurt, anxiety for the future. Just overwhelmed by everything right now.