Not sure if I’ll post this, but I’m really struggling this evening. My brain feels overloaded, and I’m fighting off flashback after flashback, whilst I should actually be doing other things. So maybe writing it down will help. Maybe someone will tell me I’m absolutely batshit crazy. Or maybe someone can offer me some words of comfort that this is completely normal with PTSD & I’m not loosing my fucking mind.
I can hear his voice. I can hear what he’s saying, it’s on repeat over and over in my head. I can feel my arms start to tremble. My legs feel like heavy, almost like lead, and I’m struggling to hold back the burning sensation of the tears behind my eyes. I can feel my heart beat quicker, as I hear his shouts. I watch as he destroys the things around me, trying to hurt me. I can hear the sound of him telling me he’s going to kill me. It’s a real fear & one I will live with for the rest of my life I think.
My brain is deciding to relive bits of the experience over and over. I want to find a “release.”- a way out, almost? The same feelings I felt back then. The fear, the urge to run away, the pain, the anxiety & the worry. I remember it all so clearly, like it was yesterday.
I’ve no idea why the hell my brain is doing this to me, but I really don’t like it.
Have I officially gone mad? Maybe. Or maybe this is just PTSD.